Hot Aunties: Dem Older Chix

...Mufti Maybe

Now most of the time I like to show off my understanding of social and cultural phenomenon, my ability to notice the twisted and strange actions in our community. But, even my pervasive (not to be confused with perverse) mind could not fathom that there was the most strange of all occurrences taking place in our community. Recently I had the opportunity of playing basketball with a few young men. As I was "schooling" them, I decided that I should listen to their conversations. First of all, these guys weren't talking about the Quran and Sunnah. Most of them didn't even have wudu (gasp!). The topic of discussion was not Brittney Spears or Beyonce Knowles….no no no…the only thing they wanted to talk about was the "Hot Auntie that just moved into town."

Now you might be wondering: What is a Hot Auntie. Trust me, I asked the same question and waited for their response. Apparently the definition of the Hot Auntie is pretty uniform.

The Hot Auntie is, usually (but not always), a newlywed who happens to be, again, usually, just a tad bit older than most of the single boys in the community. She is, as her title suggests, hot, voluptuous, curvy, and sensual. Because she's married and has the comfort of having a man, and being a newlywed wears really nice clothes, she is not shy. In being comfortable with herself, she is able to reach out to everyone in the community and not have any hang ups when having conversations with the young men. Now keep in mind that these young men go ignored by most girls their age. So when a hot woman – even if she's married and is totally in love with her husband – gives them a smile and offers them some baklava, they start drooling and develop a crush on her. Soon, their twisted minds convince them that the reason she's so nice to them is because she likes them. Some of these boys get so far in their obsession that they believe that the reason she's wearing the back-less shalwar-kameez is because she's bored with her husband and wants to show herself off to them! Astaghfirullah – that is what I said. But I had to keep probing.

Not all boys think that the Hot Auntie is chasing them (I still can't get over this). Some boys are just plain turned on by a Muslim woman whom they KNOW has sexual experience. Because they know that she's learnt all the tricks and probably has a healthy sex life, she makes for an easier object to fantasize about. One of the boys explained it as such: "If you look at the average Muslim girl. You know she's never even kissed a guy and is probably not wild at all. When I fantasize, why would I think of the boring Muslim girl when I know that the Hot Auntie has been getting her freak on for like five years! It is just easier to imagine her than a little hijabi." I think that is self-explanatory.

I further discovered that a Hot Auntie does not have to be young. Some boys have been worshipping Hot Aunties who are closer to 40 or 45 years old. I was told that "such older Hot Aunties are REALLY sexually experienced and are usually more open than their younger counterparts in being friendly, even flirty. Plus, they are more ignored by their older husbands…" In the mind of the young Muslim boy, this means that since this woman probably likes sex and is now being ignored by her rich doctor husband (who likes golf more than her), that they could "get" her and thus acquire a "sugar-mommy." After all, she drives a jaguar and shops at Tiffany's – what's to prevent her from buying her new young lover a nice ride? Furthermore, some Hot Aunties, thinking these young men actually innocent, make the mistake of playfully flirting with them when they are awkward young thugs and are too shy to talk to anyone at the Eid party.

This "flirtation from pity", however, somehow convinces the young Muslim boy that the hot auntie "wants to get up on my jock." Again, this Mufti, not even in his wildest dreams, could have come up with something like this.

There are Hot Aunties of other sorts. Most of them are totally oblivious that they are viewed as such by the Muslim boys. However, some Hot Aunties are well aware how the young men's minds are working. When this occurs, there are usually two results: One boy told me that he knew a Hot Auntie who knew she was a Hot Auntie and had the entire Muslim boy crew running around doing chores for her. She got her car washed, hedges trimmed, computer fixed, and lawn mowed on a regular basis. It seems to me that this sort of Hot Auntie risks her husband's anger and wrath – just imagine what the married men are gonna do when they read this article – for the sake of having things done around the house. The other sort of Hot Auntie simply tattles on the boys to their mothers and then the boy is left in an embarrassing situation, having to explain to his spying mother why he was saying Mrs. So and So's name in his sleep. So, brothers, before you indulge in becoming infatuated over a Hot Auntie, remember, she might screw you over – and I don't mean in the ways you want.

I became curious what it was about "older" folk that was turning people on so much. I decided to send in a spy to my female cousins to find out if young girls fantasize or drool about "hot uncles." The answer was a clear, NO.

At this point I decided to close this accidental investigation. All I know is that if you're a brother and you've got a married woman being followed around by a bunch of Muslim boys, you better watch them, and you better watch them close, and if you can, just beat the crap out of them for the hell of it. Although, strangely enough, there are some Muslim husbands – who utterly disgusted me – who kinda like the fact that the entire community's boys are drooling over his wife. If you're one of those men, grow a spine!

I did attempt to understand the cultural underpinnings of this love for the older woman. To me it doesn't have anything to do with how "things were done back in the day of the Prophet." To me, that argument is bunk. What did make sense to me is the following, told to me my Brother X who, while dribbling the ball, had a very curious insight. He said, "Brah! Just look around, J Lo is about 35; Catherine Zeta Jones is 33; Anjeline Jolie is in her thirties; when Sharon Stone did that movie Sliver, she was like 40…add to that the fact that everyone tells us that women reach their sexual peak in their 30's…and the young girls in the popular culture like Christina just got no class or curves…is it any surprise that us boys like the older chix?" – Makes sense, I suppose. Now, keep in mind, I could very easy turn this around on the brothers and accuse them of Oedipus complex (look it up if you don't know what it is). But I am one to believe that one's socio-cultural atmosphere plays a large role in one's "desires." Such being the case, I kinda accept Brother X's interpretation.

Anyway, at the end of that long day of playing basketball, I had enough of this Muslim male psychosis. I decided to take a trip to Paris to clear my head. Au Revoir!

< < Back to the Articles