...Mufti Maybe
I intend on showing the acceptable and appropriate methods of finding a wife in this jungle called the world wide web. If you follow my techniques, in a few days you can be rid of your lonely nights clicking your mouse all by yourself.
As we Muslims are good at math and generally failures when it comes to the verbal section of the SAT, I have decided to concentrate on a theory of online hunting rooted in finance and probability.
Also, since I've never actually witnessed or heard of a sister who goes online to find a husband, this article is geared only for men. This article has educational value for sisters regardless. It allows them to see what men do, and thus, how to avoid them. But something tells me that yall kinda like the attention.
Anyway, Brothers, let's begin.
Online Services:
In my mind, the online service you use is very critical in the sort of person you are likely to find. Fortunately for you I am an expert and will break it down for you. If you are an American, would like to find someone with a greencard, prefer people who are actually capable of speaking in English, and have a life outside of the online life, I suggest subscribing to America Online – the full service. AOL offers profile searches according to any subject you desire; has countless chat rooms; and has a quick and easily used email address. Plus it allows you to make upto nine-screenames so that you can keep an eye on that one particular screename from a bunch of different places. The online population of AOL, the full service, is about 12 million. A little small compared to others. AOL Instant Messenger, otherwise known as AIM, offers different kinds of advantages. The first is that its worldwide subscription is about 50 million. That means that there are going to be a lot more girls on at any given time. However, its search engine pretty much sucks, its impossible to search by profile, and for some reason American AIM users often leave it on for long periods of time because of that annoying as hell away message. Another drawback is that if you do make it to the point of trading pictures you have to give a separate email address, something you may not feel comfortable doing.
MSN messenger has way too many international girls on it. They cannot speak properly. Plus you are bound to the email address with which you sign up. Lets say ou want to keep an eye on the online activities of a girl, you can't just switch over to another screename, put her name on your list and stare at her name. Why not? Because for some wack reason MSN notifies the person when someone has added them to their list. Keep this in mind brothers, you won't get anywhere unless you are well aware of her online habits! Don't waste your time with MSN. ICQ either; it comes with similar drawbacks.
Thusly, I will be assuming that most of you are using AOL in your hunt. I know its 23 dollars a month, but let me put it like this brothers. Why be cheap? 23 dollars could be enough to land you half your deen! (Smile) I knew you'd see things my way.
Screenames: Your screename is next in importance. Make it something exciting. If you are interested in getting married, avoid names such as "IslamicPimp", "HalalPlayer4Life", "BigDumbDork", "Mustard Gas." You also want to avoid very professional seeming names that give away all your name such as "MrKhanSTL" – you see the flaw? That screename will lead you to big trouble in case things go bad. Poetic names work wonders. Girls love Khalil Gibran. Now, for her screename. Please brothers, avoid sending a message to names such as "Iamonly13", "YayElementarySchool" and "iLikePokemon." Go after the screenames which have both numbers and letters in them. These are the kind of girls you want. Why? Because those numbers are likely to have some sort of value to the girl. When you get in a conversation with her you can ask her what they mean and voila you have something to talk about. And sometimes these numbers represent the girl's age, her date of birth which means you can immediately tell whether you are old enough for her or not. Finally, avoid all those girls that put a "786" at the end of their names. They are fobs. Unimaginative. Dorks. Further, they are boring desi girls, which means they have a lot of time on their hands, are devious, and will give you a hard time for your picture. Besides, since there are so many 786's running around, don't you think you'll have a hard time keeping Booma786 separate from Pooma786? I thought so.
Chat Rooms:
The chat rooms you want to go to are the frequently attended ones. Members chat rooms, or personal chat rooms should be avoided at all costs, because they have a "usual" crew of girls. That means that they are online dorks who like to live in a fake world. You do not want them. Find and stick only to the girls that randomly show up in the very public chat rooms. Besides, since these girls are new to the chatroom you, who is a regular to that room, can easily recognize them as new and send an instant message as a welcome.
Profiles: Do not IM girls that do not have profiles. Either they are computer illiterate, or a boy pretending to be a girl. What do you think akh, Muslim boys don't have weird fetishes? I learned this the hard way. Take my word for it. Do not IM engaged girls, married girls, divorced girls. You do not want pissed off fiance, husband, and baggage, respectively. And because they are already hitched they aren't very interested in you. Oh, but if you do send an IM, ask if they have cousins and such? Sometimes the fact that a girl is young and married means that she is also interested in having her good looking (and ugly) friends get hitched.
Initiating Questions and statements:
Relate to Profile. That's pretty simple. Don't come out and say something like "Ah, your jai namaz or mine?"
Length of Conversation:
This is a subjective evaluation. If things are going well, then you should talk all night. However, many brothers get very excited when, at 9 in the morning I see them in the computer lab. They come over with their red eyes, teary and tired, telling me how lucky they are and what a nice conversation they had. The girl that talks all-night is not always a blessing. She might just be an insomniac or bored. Besides, do you really want a girl that talks all night with you? It means she's as much of a loser as you are! I have found that saying goodbye after an hour or so by making an excuse actually stimulates a girl's interest. She'll consider you mysterious, even if you have no depth.
Risk-Spreading:
This is where finance comes in. Financial principles state that you must spread your investment so that if one sector collapses, you are still making profits in other places. In the world of online wife hunting this translates into making a special section of your buddy list and designating it "Projects." You'll discover that you will make more progress to your eventual goal if you take it many girls at a time. If you put all your eggs in one basket the heartbreak you'll feel if she dumps you is nothing compared to the valuable six months you will have lost.
Respect: Brothers, don't be rude. Don't call her names if she's mean. Just close the screen and move on. If you get annoyed by a girl, or become hate-filled, you may take it out on your next project and destroy any chance you may have with the new work in progress. Secondly, being respectful at all times is your Islamic duty. Girls like guys who abide by a code of conduct. Heck, you never know, a really rude girl might just find your ability to be tolerant and respectful really sexy and may email the conversation to her friend Muslim Hijabi Victoria's Secret SuperModel who cannot find a respectful brother.
Pictures:
This is the trickiest of all the tactics. My rule: never ask for a picture in the first conversation. Many girls anticipate this question so much that if you don't ask them they will ask you for a picture instead. If she's asking you for your picture that means she's become curious about you! And if she's curious about you even the dumb things you'll say she will find to be deep and meaningful! (Yeah, it's weird, just don't question it).
You may ask for a picture in a second conversation, but only if things went somewhere in the first one. Otherwise, move onto some other girl on your "Projects" list. You may also try to do a little research. Since there's only a 3 degree of separation amongst American Muslims if you ask around a little you can likely find someone who knows the girl you're talking about and can either get you a picture or a visual description.
Of course, if you promise to send your picture you actually have to send your picture. That's the only way she will send her picture. And if you're, let's say, an ugly brother, and know that she will lose interest upon seeing your picture, still go ahead and trade pictures. You never know, her name might come up in some conversation. And all your loser friend will be really impressed if you can say "hey I have her picture on my computer. Yeah, we go way back." And even if you weren't able to get past the picture trading thing with her, the simple feeling of superiority over your lonely single friends should be enough of a high.
Brothers, start up your mouse!
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