Single Sexy...and Single: Nice Girls Finishing Last.
Kickin an Islamic Game.

...Mufti Maybe

The mystery of the nice girl. Physically there is nothing wrong with her. You've even described her as cute a few times. She's smart, comes from a good family, doesn't listen to crappy music, knows at least seven Allah's ninety-nine names, even finds the time to pray (a lot more than you). Unlike you, she knows why she believes in God, knows why one dresses modestly, and all this in a girl who has no BO. In fact, she's stylishly dressed and wears nice perfumes. She's finishing, or has finished, college. From what you've gathered she'd made an excellent mother. If being an all around good girl was perfection, this girl is perfect. But don't tell her that!

"Perfect girls," she says, "aren't single! And I still am!" – Under the onslaught of such logic perhaps I should concede that she's right. Perhaps her single-status renders all her perfections void. SO WHY IS SHE SINGLE? WHY? WHY? WHY? Quite frankly this one has been the greatest challenge ever posed to this Not A Mufti. I have broken the investigation into two parts.

A) Why She Remains Single? Common errors and fixes.

B) What Should She Do? (Concludes in "The Islamic Game")

Part A

Sisters, firstly, you have to trust me. You will have to throw out the door all the dumb things that your female friends have told you to make you feel better. Put it like this, say you were fat but did not know it and wanted to get an opinion on if that was really true. Would you want to go to your friends and hear the same "oh, you're, like, thinner than Kate Moss" lie, or would you want to hear the damn truth even if it hurt? To borrow from a popular Islamic speaker, friends are like medicine. There's very nice tasting medicine (your friends) who go down easy but don't cure your illness, and then there is that bitter pill to swallow (me) who cures you right up. Now, choose. [I knew you'd see things my way].

To find out why this girl is single you have to stop looking so much at those things that Allah has given her. Its not her moles, her manner of speech, her little lisp, her height. It has nothing to do with all that. To really find out why she is single you have to find out why guys don't sweat her. That's all. The conditions under which guys sweat a girl aren't necessarily a consequence of the effects of a girl's Allah-given assets. Why a girl comes to be sweated has much to do things over which she has a lot of control – her actions, her appearance (which is different than her looks, read on), and her "game." This girl has spent enough time being paraded about by her well-intentioned friends without a plan. She has been left to the mercy of fate. Her friends tell her that her "destiny" has not yet arrived so she must wait. Bunk! The first thing she must do is take destiny out of the picture. Do you want to wait for your Mahdi – even if he shows up when you're 39 – or do you want to find him now?

First reason guys don't sweat her is because she is too easy. I'm not talking sexually. Rather, all that fretting, staying awake at night, stress, and worry about finding a man has made her so insecure that the moment a guy even starts to show interest, he is turned off by her eager anticipation. He is repelled at how easily he is able to get her. Permit me an explanation of guys by looking at the one thing all of them do: play basketball. If you watch a guy shooting hoops all by himself, or with just one friend, you'll notice that they often practice lay-ups.

Now, a lay-up is the easiest shot in basketball. Hands down. All one has to do is run up and gently kiss the ball off the backboard. But you'll never see a boy doing just that! No, no no! He will run up to the hoop, cross the ball a hundred times through his legs, do a few spins, stutter-step, cut right, do a mid-air spin, and then throw the ball from the reverse side with his left hand. Guys don't do things easily. It is the complexity of a venture, and the conquering of that complexity, which they think makes them real. Such being the case, the girl that is too nice, too open to their advances, is like that easy lay-up that no guy will ever want to take. Right when guys get an interest in a girl their subconscious does a little mathematical formula for them. It evaluates how much of a challenge this girl will pose. Because conquering the challenge is what will make them feel like a real man if the numbers come out too low, the guy will say "pass" on the girl no matter how hot, intelligent, or well-dressed she and her her friends think she is.

Second reason guys don't sweat her is because she does not have an ounce of intimidation and snobbery. Has anyone ever read Taming of the Shrew? Let's face it, that Katherine is a total snob! But did anyone ever notice how avidly whats-his-name pursues her. Can any of you nice girls say that a guy has pursued you that madly? I bet you can't. In fact, I bet you're dying to be pursued in that manner, aren't you? Precisely! Now learn this: the magnitude of his pursuit is directly proportional to the snobbery you exude and intimidation you cause.

Nice girls are taught not to be snobs and not to be intimidating. Their friends think this will drive away the guys. Further, often girls will hear from guys that girls are too snobby or intimidating. To be quite honest, sister, the kind of guy that runs from the challenge of a snobby girl is no guy at all. Do you really want him on a wedding night? Now I am not saying that you pull people's ears and slap them on their face. Being snobby is a mind-set. It means that you consider yourself better than others. The only reason you've been taught to think that you're like everyone else is because I bet you once asked them, "am I weird? Is that why no one likes me?" I'm sure they said, "no no no, you're just like everyone else!" Once they told you this, you ended being just like everyone else! Let this go!

Here, try my tested method of becoming the kind of person who believes that she's better than other people. Schedule in one week five dates with your friends. Tell them that on one outing you want them to take you to a place where your role-model, idol, hero, will be. You are not to know which night you'll encounter your hero. Now, if you've inculcated the proper attitude in yourself the night you do see your hero you will NO WAY WHATSOEVER run over their with the crowd with your drool. In fact, you'll act in a way that says "I am better than even you." But, don't fake it. This exercise is for your own good. If you honestly want to run over there despite what I am telling you then it means that you will go on being like everyone else. The attitude inside you has to be honestly held.

There is a choice you are making by being intimidating and snobby. You are choosing to give up on the guys who really are not guys and become much more selective in your search. Many girls have told me that they don't want to risk this because finding an "average" guy is hard enough, would not finding that guy who does not run away when intimidated be even harder? (I answer this question in a later section, see Islamic Game).

Third reason that guys don't go for the nice girl is because nothing exciting is happening in her world. Now, you might not be Einstein, you might not be a philosophy major, you might not make films. It might be that you're pre-med, just like everyone else, or maybe comp.sci and actually are part of that world of people in whose life nothing exciting happens. But sister, that does not mean that you continue to act like a person in whose world nothing exciting is happening. How, for example, do you tell a person who's got something going on from a person who does not? Well, the person who has something going on is usually on the move. The person who doesn't, sits around.

My real suggestion is to become actually interesting. Go take that philosophy class. Go make a film. Learn an instrument. Take a class on Islamic Law. But if you are not able to actually become interesting, at least fake it. So, even if nothing exciting is going on in your life, you can at least pretend that it does! Say you and your friends are approached by a few brothers after some lecture who want to know what you guys are doing for lunch. "Whatever you're doing" is not the answer that makes you appear interesting. It makes you appear like a loser. Even if you and your girls hadn't decided on a place, step forward and say the name of a restaurant. Announce that you guys were already on your way to some place and that you were driving. This shows that you're life is happening. How does such a simple act make you appear interesting? Why simple. It makes it appear that you are autonomous individual who has a streak of personality in her. Then, when you finally do get to the restaurant, don't hesitate to be yourself (but in line with the dictates of the Islamic Game, see below). Then, don't hesitate to leave early. That also shows that something is happening in your life. Don't hesitate in dropping an intriguing lie – "I'm meeting with so and so scholar." Its not like anyone can confirm any of this. Oh, but don't just go off on a string of lie. One well-placed lie should be enough. If you leave a brother thirsting for more you might actually get more! If you feed him the whole of you at once why should he come back for more?

Something that works really well in making brothers think you're interesting is jealousy and humiliation. You don't have to say "oh, now I am going to go talk sex with that guy over there so bye!" (actually, don't do that). Instead, say you're talking to a brother who's trying to impress you by talking about how good he is at basketball. Most girls, to get his interest will say, "I'm pretty good at one on one myself."

Oh my god! This is such a loser's line! I have rejected many girls simply based on this line – and many of them were pretty, smart, bla bla bla. The girl that guys ends up wanting says something like "Basketball players are such children", or, "Oh," (roll eyes) "you're good at grunting and moaning in a circle of half-naked men, good for you." By suggesting that only children play basketball you'll make the brother act mature cuz he won't want you to think that he really is a child. He'll actually turn on HIS game on you. And by suggesting that his sexuality might be in question you will turn on his HIS hetero-hormone-drive because now he will have to prove to you that he is a real man and not a homo. In an effor to prove his masculinity he may even reveal his previous philanderings. In other words, he's telling you stuff without you even asking. You're winning! On top of that, he is left thinking that you're more interesting than the other girls because you did not give the same answer that all the other girls have been giving. Besides, since he did not learn your actual opinion on something that means that an element of mystery has been added to the conversation. In other words, he now has to spend more time with you digging out what you really think about basketball. Isn't that what you wanted? Yes it is! And my naïve little sister, just don't ever tell him what you think about basketball.

Part B: What Should The Nice Girl Do – The Islamic Game

Islam is a religion that promotes absolute individuality. No soul is responsible for the burdens of another on the day of judgment. We are all solely and individually accountable. This idea of Ummah aint gonna help you when you and Allah are tabulating YOUR missed prayers. Thus, any good "game" must somehow express this vision of absolute Islamic autonomy and individuality. There are corollary conclusions one can make.

For example, because you only have to give straight answers to Allah why should you give straight answers to anyone on this world – and why, especially, should you be all truthful and honest with guys that you've just met, or only locked eyes with, or only talked on the phone with twice?

The Game begins with the eyes. Sisters and brothers alike think that love is in the eyes. This is a great lie that has been promulgated amongst us. Regardless, everyone believes it. Locking eyes becomes the equivalent of marriage. Brothers are actually worse at this than sisters. Here's what I advise the nice-sisters: not only must you not look at anyone's eyes, you must not look at anyone altogether. You know why? Because your eyes will betray the loneliness and desperation that comes from being single for so long. When a girl meets a guy's gaze in his head he's thinking "yeah, she wants me." Now sister, if he already thinks you want him, why would he even approach you? For Muslim guys, this sort of conquest through the eyes is enough. Stop believing all that garbage in Cosmo and Vogue about the love connection in the eyes. That ish is for white folk. So, I reiterate, learn how to not even look towards a single guy! Being flighty with your eyes, or having downcast serene eyes is better than eyes that seek out love. My personal favorite is the flighty-eyes. If done right, it leads me to think, 'hey, I wonder if I am interesting enough to get her eyes to stop.'

The Game continues with the dress. Now sisters have often been troubled by the role of the hijab. Girls that don't wear it think that perhaps they go ignored because they are thought immodest. Girls that do wear it wonder if they would get more attention if they took it off. To me, the question to be asked is not whether you should keep or wear the hijab but what you can learn or do to guys by evaluating THEIR dress-code. Am I saying that you're style of dress is not important? No! You better look good. But the issue is not your dress. The issue is their dress. The question of what people wear is important – but it is the fault of your idiot friends who center the question of dress around you. If, instead of spending all that time worrying about your dress, you would learn to evaluate guys on their dress you'd be better off.

Its like this. Say you're at a nice function where all the guys are dressed nicely and about uniformly. What should you have your friends look for you (since you're never to be caught staring at a guy). Well, let's say everyone is wearing a dress-shirt and slacks and nice shoes. What in the world do you look for? Well, try to seek out if there are guys who mix something "ethnic" with their clothes. Some guys will wear an interesting necklace, others may have a little bit of a kaifiyya sewn into their collar. Something like that. Your primary speaking-target should be the guys who are wearing 'unique' things. Its simple probability: either the guy is a dressing-idiot, in which case you can make fun of him, or he's actually someone interesting. If he does turn out to be someone interesting, because he's done something unorthodox you can continue making fun of him and so still appear to be in control of him while still talking to him! And guys like to be controlled that way. Personally I am a fan of the classic look in men, but not when it looks like everyone else's. Those guys are just boring. Oh sisters, please be aware of the loser guy who is trying too hard to appear a little different. Let's say his belt-buckle is just way too big, or his shirt is some mixture of purple and pasty-orange. Yeah, ignore this guy. He's basically the male-version of the love-sick female dying for attention. You'll know him, he'll try to lock eyes with every girl in the house. As I point out, you'll learn through trial and error, this is no science.

The Game is mostly all about knowing the proper time to end the conversation, knowing when to incite jealousy, knowing when to humiliate, knowing when to walk away, knowing when to continue hanging out with him, knowing when to answer your cell phone and when not to answer it. Its things like this that make the game such a difficult system. And, at the same time, the game is not a science, its an art-form. I am not going to delve into the complexities of the game. I will save particular "spot-light" articles for a later time. But before I move on, let me give one example of how things, and people, must always be used in the game. This scenario will employ a cell-phone and a male-friend to illustrate the 'core' of the game. Let's assume that you and a guy got to a point of exchanging numbers. You talked. Had a nice conversation and it ended with you going away by saying that you had to go to the museum. The guy, intrigued by you, asked you when you were coming back. Let's say you said something like, 7 p.m. Now, you know that he's gonna call you after 8 because he does not want to too eager but not too late. So, around 8 o clock, position yourself near a male-friend (use a cousin if you have to). When the phone rings, let it ring and don't pick it up right away. Right before it goes to the answer machine, pick it up, say, "hold on ok?" and then turn to your male-friend and say – loud enough so that the guy on the phone can hear – "look, can we talk about this at a later time? I am serious…N-no! What the hell? Look, this is getting really old! Get lost!" After that, in your most cheerful voice, answer the phone and do your thing.

Why was all this important? Well, the initial phases of the "conversation" you MUST establish that you're not a push-over. Those who aren't easy push-overs, in other words, are just those that one has to do MORE to push-over. That means that even if the guy wants to play you or take advantage of you he'll soon realize that he's gonna have to do more than what he's done before because you know how not to take ish from other guys. If that guy on the phone runs away, let him go! If he stays, he will stay intrigued not only because he will want to discover why you were yelling at that other guy but also to find out what exactly it is that made you angry. But yeah, that kinda guy who'd run away from seeing a little bit of your anger is one of those guys that are really little three year old girls at heart. You don't want him anyway.

This takes me to my last point: what to do in the interval. Say you had the bad-luck, or bad-skill, of running into two straight guys-who-are-really-three-year-old-girls. What should you do?

By no means should you become reduced to your hermit like desperate state in which you're always wondering if you're like everyone else. You should use this time of being alone – as Madame Whimsufical says – cultivating yourself and being one with yourself. This will make you different than everyone else! This period of peace is very important. It will allow you to be a lot more constructive than in periods where the Game is being implemented. The Game takes energy, sisters. In periods when you don't have to employ it, you have a lot more energy to do other things. Now, its up to you to use that energy in tears and whining and fretting about the hijab, or you can use that energy to make yourself tougher so that being intimidating and interesting comes naturally to you and you don't have to fake it. You can use the energy to be more social – not only to maximize your chances of meeting someone but also to spend more time with your friends. Believe me, once you've actually met the guy who lasts through all the twists of the Game, you won't have any more desire to do anything social. If you know what I mean.

In a way then this article should cause a shift in the way you think about guys. Firstly, the guy worth your energy may take a little bit more time to arrive. But arrive he will if you continue to play your cards right and don’t yourself turn into a whining loser. Secondly, waiting for that guy has to be, in your deepest of hearts, a more worthwhile risk than choosing the guy-who's-not-really-a-guy just because he's readily available. Thirdly, you should ignore the offerings your friends who keep telling you that you're like everyone else just because they want to prove to you that nothing is wrong with you; they are stifling the real you. Finally, if you cannot do any of these things then you shall continue to finish last. (I am using reverse psychology to incite you to action!).

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