How To Tell If She's Taken

...Mufti Maybe

A while back I attended a citywide dinner for Muslim youth. Seated at a table with young, single Muslim males, conversation turned, as always, to the potential wives at the event.

"Who is that girl," asked one of my friends. "The one in the black overcoat that just walked in."

I turned to look at the fairly promising young woman. She seemed nice enough, floating gracefully through her friends.

"God, I think she's so beautiful," he said firmly. "That is who I want to marry. Does anyone know who she is?" I was bored and didn't care to answer. Others said they didn't know her.

I continued eating my hummus. In my mind I was thinking that this brother was committing one of the cardinal sins of Muslim wife hunting: He was falling in love without first making sure that she was available. I decided to keep quiet and see what would happen. Fortunately for my friend, an older single brother, who had apparently learned things the hard way, told him to calm his horses and began explaining "how to tell if she's taken."

"First," the older brother said. "You must always make sure that she's not wearing a ring."

"Hmm, I see," my friend stood up and took a walk around the hall to where she was sitting. "Well, she's wearing a ring, but its just a plain silver band. It doesn't look like a wedding band or an engagement ring. It must mean she's single."

The older brother was battle-tested. He had another question. "Was the ring on her ring finger?" My friend nodded in the affirmative. "You see brothers, that is a big mistake we men often make. We assume that just because the ring on the ring-finger is not an engagement ring, she's not taken. I've discovered that many girls start wearing a ring on the ring-finger long prior to receiving the official engagement ring. So, my friend, you should give up on this girl, because although she's not yet openly engaged, its quite likely that she's got a man."

I decided to play the devil's advocate because I was intrigued by this older brother's wisdom and wanted to test if he knew what he was talking about. "But," I objected. "Brother, some girls put on a ring on their ring-finger just to keep guys away. It doesn't necessarily mean that they are taken."

"Quite true," he said to me. "I do believe you've pointed out a tension in the deduction-from-ring. Therefore, after looking at the ring evaluation, I generally employ a second criteria."

"What exactly is that?" my innocent friend asked.

"For the purpose of this exercise, let's assume that this girl you have fallen for is actually single and is only wearing a ring because she wants to keep guys away," the older brother said. "Well, my next evaluation is to ask myself the following question and answer it objectively: From observing her for a while, does it appear that she is the ideal wife - that is, beautiful, social, and graceful? Is she free of any major physical or social misanthropies? If she objectively appears ideal, it means that she's quite likely already taken. Take the sister you're looking at. She has nice hair, nice features, she doesn't have a limp. She dresses killer and even her friends are pretty. Girls like her are the first to go."

"But you can't just assume that!" my friend protested.

"I think unless you get really lucky and find one that is single you have to assume it, especially at a social event like this. The consequence of not assuming it would lead to your embarrassment, and likely, your butt getting kicked by her bethrothed. Besides, the ratio of "perfect" women to men who want perfect women is so low that probability is almost always against you, so its not at all a bad assumption to make." the older brother replied.

I was impressed by this brother. Though he wasn't blessed with my inherent ability to understand women, the school of hard knocks had taught him just as well. I continued to try to challenge him. "Well, bro, it sounds like you know what you're talking about." I decided to ask him a question to which I knew the answer. "You are telling us that this sister over there with whom my friend has fallen in love is taken. But bro, if she's so taken, why is she so congenial and nice to all of the brothers that go talk to her? I mean, look, she just gave that one brother a smile who approached her. Doesn't her congeniality indicate that she's single?"

"Good question!" my friend said. He did not know what the older brother and I already knew. I awaited the older brother to enlighten him.

"Au contraire!" the older brother said. "The most interesting thing is that when Muslim girls finally get a man they become very nice and amiable, even towards strangers. They become very easy to talk to. They stop being snobs. They converse and socialize freely. They smile for no reason. Us single guys think that its because this girl likes us. But the real reason is that she's now comfortable and free knowing that she's got a man and doesn't care what we think about her. We're the fools for believing that she's smiling for us. To spot the single girl you have to find the one that's trying to not smile, trying her hardest to appear aloof."

Brilliant. I thought. He was right on the money. My friend, meanwhile, was dejected. He decided to try another counter-argument. "Ok, according to what you're saying, this girl is taken. But assume she's not. God, I hope she's not. How else can I make sure that she's single and available?"

"Well," the older brother said. "Sometimes you can get an idea of the married or engaged girl by looking at how the other girls around her interact with her. Look at the girl you've fallen for. Notice how when she sits, all the other girls gather around her as if she's their mother. Notice how they scatter all about her like she's the flame and they the moths? There seems to be some mechanism in single Muslim women which makes them automatically exalt the married one. You should always look out for it."

"What else?" my friend asked.

"Hmm..." the old brother said. "Another way to figure out if a girl is taken is by looking at the men hanging around her. Try to find in those men some of the most domineering types. It appears that a social event, the guy who's got the perfect girl will tend to be a little funnier, a little louder, a little happier, than all the other guys he's with. Despite appearing better than all the others, he won't go near the perfect girl - why not Because she's already his. He doesn't have to impress her anymore. So, to find out if you're girl is single or not, you should look to see if there's an interesting and dynamic brother somewhere near her who is NOT approaching her."

My friend looked around and saw one brother who was standing in the middle of a circle of brothers but had not even bothered to look in the perfect gir's direction. It all finally made sense to him. "That one must be her husband, or her fiancee."

I nodded in agreement. I wanted to see if the older brother's theories were right. It appeared they were. I tapped into one of my sisterly-resources on the other side of the room and asked about the "perfect girl's" status.

"She's going to be engaged," she said. And pointed to the guy standing in the middle of a circle of some other brothers. "From the moment he met her to next week when they get engaged, he waited four years."

"You see?" the older brother said. "Girls like her aren't simply gotten by seeing them once at some social event. You have to get lucky and then put in the work like this brother has. I wish you the best my young friend. Goodbye."

We never saw the older brother again. Rumor has it that he still shows up at social events to advise young brothers to make sure the girl is single before making one's move.

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