Second Wives Club

...Mufti Maybe

Let me start with an emphatic assertion. In America, Muslim polygamy exists.

Most girls do not want to be second wives. In American-Islam, polygamy is one of those things that, like slavery, although has no explicit prohibition against it, is often shunned and villified. The idea of polygamy is one over which women have taken a stand, and in so doing, have been able to make their vision - of monogamy - become the dominant view of American-Islam.

Most men do not admit that they want second wives. The explanation? Like I said, because women have taken a stand on this, most men are afraid to come out and say that they want a second wife. After all, what man wants to become blacklisted amidst potential wives and lose any shot at getting married? For this reason, single men rarely ever admit they want a second wife. But although most men do not admit it, that doesn't mean that they don't want it. Today's American Muslim boy looks around to see a culture where mistresses, open-marriages, and harem-making dons are the norm. The only thing that a Muslim male can use to make himself be more like the American man is the hope - "Oh that one day I will be able to convince my wife to let me have a second wife....now, to only find the first one!"

Most American Muslim guys will not ever be able to say to their wives "that I want a second wife." Just to say it is to risk losing any relationship you may have. And even those that manage to say it, cannot ask this question to a girl that they are courting, because she is most likely to just get up and leave. In our environment where potential mates are hard to find, such risk-taking is just plain non-sensical.

But despite all this, multiple wives are taken by many men in American-Islam. Mormons are not the only ones practicing polygamy. And if you believe that Muslims, upon coming to America, become universally monogamous, you are sorely mistaken. I want to evaluate both the type of men who go after second, or third wives, and also the kind of women who acquiesce into permitting and entering such scenarios.

The Men: Most men consider themselves macho. Even if they aren't, they pretend to be, because most believe that is how men are supposed to be. (See my explanation in "Male Idiocy" for why men want to be like other men even if the characteristics are negative). However, some men are able, not only to convince themselves that they are more macho than all the other men around them, but they are able to convince their wives that their machismo is deserving of another wife!

Now, some of you may be thinking: I want to be such a man. If you do, good for you. Frankly speaking, I have no interest in a second wife. My argument is simple. The first woman that a real man marries should be one that's more than a handful, ya'ni, she should be a real woman. If she's not, she's not a challenge, and a real man only wants challenges. Thus, it becomes impossible to take another real woman because any man, no matter how much of a man himself, cannot deal with two real women. But, anyway, regardless of why I don't want a second wife, let me explain how it is that guys who do want second wives, convince everyone they are deserving.

Islam - That is their method. Its shameful to say, but like some men use pity, and some men use money, to get control over women, other men use religion. The general argument, horrendously distorting the religious texts, goes something like this: If Allah really didn't want men to have more than one wife, there would be an express prohibition against polygamy, but since there is no express prohibition, polygamy is permitted...and since all things that are permitted to Muslims are good things, i.e. chocolate and prayer, polygamy, by being permitted is also good, and since what is good is to be practiced, polygamy should be practiced. I have to say that this argument has, if not a logical consistency, a legal consitency that passes muster in many legal systems. The current Supreme Court Justice Scalia often uses such a mode of interpretation. Such a similar mode of interpretation - one that looks only at the text and is known as the literalist - was used in various other forms by the Zahiris and most recently by members of Al-Qaeda. The point is that a literalist reading of the Quran allows one to infer anything one wants because the reading is entirely divorced from context.

Like I said, those men that want a second wife, use the aforestated argument. And if their first wife says that she stands firmly against it, they accuse her of getting in the way of something that Allah has permitted and by permitting made good. These men accuse her of denying them their God-given rights, and since God-given rights can only be denied by God, these first wives are acting like agents of the devil. I have to say, you have to have balls to make this argument - not because it requires having the courage to stand up to your wife, but it requires having the courage to distort God.

Men have many reasons for wanting more than one wife. They get bored. They look around them to find a culture where men openly interact with more than one woman. They think its their God-given right. They believe that they are actually doing the women in the situation a favor. And so on. Whatever their motivation, the argument must always take the aforementioned religious style. No man who wants more than one wife tries to make any other type of argument. Even if he does not believe in the Quran, he will cite to the Quran to bolster his argument. In a situation like this, which requires all of the verbal and psychological manipulation a man can muster, most men figure out that instead of premising their argument on what they individually think, they should hide behind the words of God.

Now, granted that polygamy may have played a social utility in the world a long time ago, or granted that some tribes in Nepal, and Saudi Princes (equally primitive, in my opinion), practice polygamy, the fact remains that you are not living in those previous times and neither are you a Saudi Prince. I might pay heed to your argument if you were living in post-war Afghanistan, but you live in the United States - a welfare state. Which means that your pretentious invokation of "saving women" does not apply, nor is necessary for the survival of women.

The Women: The principle driving agent in looking for and finding a second wife are always men. I have yet to encounter a woman who, given the option of being the sole or shared wife, would choose to be the shared. Sure, she might agree to become convinced to be the shared, but it is a man who has to convince her, she doesn't do it out of her own free will. So, when we analyze the women, I am not analyzing what kind of women want to be shared - that's a dumb and unrealistic analysis. Rather, I have to analyze the following: what kind of women do men who want to marry second wives target?

There is a two step process that men must take to get a second wife. 1) To convince the current wife that they can get a second wife and 2) To convince a new woman that she should be the second wife. Like I said, most men use religion to accomplish step one. Step two is accomplished in other ways.

In an amazing book by Nikos Kazantzakis called Zorba the Greek, Zorba, the main character, explains to his friend, that he gets so much play compared to any other man alive, because his first and singular target are widows. These are women, he explains, that aren't given much attention to in society, and thus, the perfect targets. In the case of American-Muslim second-wife-seeking-men, their target are widows and divorcees. The ideal time for a man to move to capture a second-wife is right after the death of her husband, or right after her divorce. In the world today, older Muslim women, on the whole, are not used to being without a husband. The moment they are without a man, they feel almost naked. Since they have long lived under the protective shelter of a man, they, quite often, agree to any sort of shelter, even if it comes in the form of a man who already has a wife. Widows and divorcees are lured in by the man by his promises to take care of them. Little do they realize that the situation they are entering will turn out to be horrible. Such women are party of the second wives' club.

But women come to be snared in other ways. After all, not all girls who become second or third wives are divorcees or widows. Some are converts. To me, the phenomenon of convert women acquiescing to polygamy is the most interesting one. In fact, some of the strongest proponents of polygamy I've met have been converts to Islam. I found this so fascinating that I tried to get to the root of this phenomenon. Here is the explanation that I have reached: Many converts come from Christianity, and an American cultural milieu, which defines Islam as part of the East, and as different. When these women actually convert to Islam, its because they are sick and tired of the West, and thus, LIKE to believe the fact that Islam is "Eastern." These women want to be Eastern - their logic works like this: Since the West has always treated me like crap, the opposite of West must be utopia! Persuant to such logic, then, they embrace polygamy because it is the clearest expression of Eastern relationships. Such women only have to be found, they don't need convincing. Such women are part of the second wives' club.

Still, there are some girls who are neither widows, nor divorcees, nor converts. Yet they too end up becoming second or third wives. How? The answer: Pity and a need for self-worth. Some women grow up depressed, have always been mistreated, or are just plain lonely. The only time they feel good about themselves is when they are helping someone else. Now you know women like this. At college, these are those sisters that come into where the boys are sitting, take everyone's order for what they want from McDonalds and then go and buy food for everyone; and they don't just do this once, they do it all the time.

Doing stuff for others makes them feel needed; and being needed gives them self-affirmation. When a man who wants a second wife come across such women, all the men have to say to them is "Dear Bla Bla, my life with my current wife has been quite miserable. We do not click at the intimacy level. I was forced to marry her to make my mother happy. I really wish I was given the opportunity to be an individual and to pick my own wife! I pick you! But alas, I cannot divorce her because she's realiant on me. The only option is for you to be my second wife!" Women who have for too long served other people, want, out of pity, and their own need, to help this poor guy out. And quiet often, acquiesce into becoming his second wife. They don't realize how horribly they have been manipulated. The sad truth is that they have, almost throughout their whole life, been manipulated like this. Thus they join the second wives' club.

I have no experience in having a second wife nor have gotten much feedback from sisters who are in such relationships - mostly because they live under a dictatorship and have very limited interactions with the world...and some of those that are rather "free" as the second wife, will not come out to talk about it, because they know talking about it would reveal the sadness of reality. Thus, sisters who are second or third wives and would like to share their experiences are more than welcome to send in their stories. Brothers who have second or third wives are also welcome to send in their stuff. Just know that I will, without hesitation, analyze you in light of one of the above-discussed frameworks; and if not under one of those, I will use something equally psychological and deconstructive to lay bare your motivations and expose them for a sham.

Behind all good things in this world there is a good reason. And I refuse to accept that there's a reason good enough in this country to justify a woman's willingness to be the spare tire in a relationship.

So, if you think your justification for polygamy in America is sound, share it.

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