"Star-Crossed Love"

Q:I recently visited notafatwa.org [Editor’s note: www.notafatwa.tk] and there was one question that caught my attention....the one about the sunni brother and shitte sister. Well the reason this struck my interest is that I have been seeing someone for three years with the intentions of marriage. He asked me to marry him two weeks into our relationship, but I knew my parents wouldn't agree because we didn't finish college and also because he is Shitte. So we decided to finish college and mashallah we both graduated this past year. Now, he is continuously asking for my hand in marriage from my parents and they keep rejecting him. He has been researching the differences between our religions as well as similarities, but my dad is very stubborn and not willing to give him a chance. At this time I don't know what to do...I will not leave him and also it will be hard to leave my parents. I have also become very suicidal. My parents are going for hajj, but it seems as if they don't care to fulfill thier obligations before they leave (wedding their 22 year old daughter). They will be leaving this Feb. and we want to be engaged at least before then. I know you are very knowledgable and hopefully you can shed some light to my situation. Thank you in advance for taking the time out to reply.

To be the honesty, I am saying: I am reading the question and being confused also. This is not easy question, and I cannot give you the easy answer, but I will try to tell you the things you maybe want to do. First thing though, you must start doing the du'a istikhara. If you do not know how to do this, you can visit this website:

http://www.islam.tc/Dua/

(It is towards the bottom; Du'a Istikhara for Nikah)

Always pray to the God and ask Him for the help. This is first and most important thing. Only He can help you -- anybody who tells you the difference is both stupid and wrong, and also questionable in the Islamic. But more than this, really, we have to do. I am telling you firstly, I am the younger Imam, so I am the sympathetic for the younger people and the new problems we have to face that we did not do the facing of before. This is difficult, but you must be strong.

Firstly, throw this suicide out of your head. It is only Satan dragging you down. You must believe this: If you are doing the right thing, eventually the God will help you and give you the best. Also, know that everything that is happening, it is happening for a reason. This is not bad luck or the curse, or your fault -- it is not because you have been the bad person -- but because Allah is testing you. But also, He is testing your parents, and your fiancee (inshallah!), and He wants to do the tough testing, like big examination.

If your parents are going to the Hajj, you should be honest. Alhamdulillah, they care about the Islam. So tell them to care about your half of the deen. This Ka'aba in Makkah, it is a sacred place, but each human being and the feelings she is having, they are more important than house of God. If they say astaghfirullah, tell them, whole Universe was created for human beings to worship Allah, including Ka'aba. Therefore, there is more importance to human being and her problem than to simple the symbols and things. They should listen to you honestly and carefully and then they should tell you why they say no. Not say "No!" without reason. This is like Catholics, they say the God makes no sense, you only have to believe it. This is why they are stupid. We Muslims, we are supposed to be different, but then the ignorance and the arrogance, it makes us stupid. (But do not calling your parents ignorant or arrogant, it is not helping, I think).

Also, you should talk to the Shi'a brother you are of course liking, and talk to your parents about their concerns: How are you going to raise the kids? What are you going to do when the things conflict between Shi'a and Sunni? Because there are real differences and problems, you know? This is the truth. If you show the your parents you are answering and knowing these questions, and they are in mind of yours as true problems for your future relationship, then they will respect you more inshallah and know you are caring the most about the Islam, which is the only important thing. Perhaps they are scared you are only in "the love" and you are not thinking about your Islam. But you have to tell them the otherwise. Because they need to know that the love feeling is not haram, it is not un-Islamic; but also, there is more to Islam than simple romance. You must also consider the your deen and how it will be practiced and how your children will be raised.

But this is brother telling you after two weeks he wants marriage, and he has been sticking to you for three years, and this mashallah shows real commitment and real maturity. Also you are finishing college, another excellent thing I think and also you are doing this to make your parents happy, so tell them this too and make sure they know you are serious and the matured.

Finally, you must be telling them that there are more things common to the Muslims than difference. For example, the Al-Azhar University, in Cairo, the great Sunni university, is teaching the Ja'fari -- or Shi'a -- fiqh, as equal to and comparable to the four Sunni madhahib, which means even these scholars are doing the recognition. [Editor's Note: Al-Azhar was actually founded in the 9th century by the Fatimids, a Shia' Dynasty]. Of course, there are differences, but you can go around the differences and only if you trust in Allah and stay strong. If these scholars understand, this is big thing, you know? We Muslims are in time of great stress and problems. We should be closing the ranks and standing together, instead of doing the bickering. Remember, unity is FARDH -- it is vajib -- it is more important than Sunnah namaz, even, or Salat Tarawih, or 'Umrah, or any of those similar things.

Make sure your parents know you are loving them, and doing this because you know it is the right thing, not to hurt them or to ignore them or to do the diminishment of the Islam (this is big word I am recently learned of). Then do the salat more and more, that the Allah will guide you. In the end, you owe most obedience to your parents, but this does not mean your parents will not be doing the understanding of you, if only you try to do different ways and keep trying. Do not be like Amrika in Lebanon and give up after one day. Maybe you should bring books to teach your parents, or talk to them more and more.

There are also the good movies from Iran and they are Shia, like "The Color of Paradise" -- rang-e Khuda -- Alhamdulillah, very beautiful movie and very Islamic. Watch it first, and then maybe watch with your parents if you like it. Tell them: See, this is Islamic Republic of the Iran, and they are doing so many good things for Islam.

If more the problems you have, tell me again by the electronic postal system, and I will be answering you inshallah ta'ala.

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