"Not a Virgin"

Q: Dear Madame W:

I am a 24 year old female. Some may call me a “good catch”. I think I’m good-looking, educated, and have a good personality. I recently got engaged to a great Muslim guy. He is everything I have wanted and I think I am the same for him. My problem is this: though I am quite religious now, I wasn’t always. In past the I’ve done some things I regret. Like losing my virginity. Should I tell my fiance this? I know he will be very upset and may not want to marry me. I don’t want to lose him. What should I do?

signed
Reformed in Chicago

Dear one,

I can tell you don't want to tell him. And who would? It's not an easy thing to admit in our culture. We've all made mistakes. We all have regret. Feeling this way is normal. And you hold a lot of guilt inside. But you've changed. And that was the past. It is not the person you are today. Forgive yourself. There is nothing wrong with you and you are no less a person than anyone else.

As far as the fiance goes. Let us assume you don't tell him. How would you feel looking at him everyday knowing you are not honest with this man you love? It will turn into guilt and that will turn into resentment. And then the truth will come out. It always does. You just have to choose when you are going to tell him. Five years down the line when you cannot hold it in anymore? Or now when it is still a choice and the only reason you are telling him is because of love.

Marriage is about trust, honesty, and most of all it is about love. His response will tell you a lot about the person he is. If he really loves you he will accept you as you are. If the response is less than favorable then he is not the gem once thought. When you tell him remember -- it is never okay for him to disrespect you.

Do not worry. If he is worth keeping he will be kept.

Madame W.

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